I explained how understanding that covenant helps us in our marriages, too, when sin brings destruction.
We looked at what forgiveness is, as well as what it isn't.
Some of you decided to truly let go of the offenses you've suffered from your spouse. But that doesn't mean you're feeling up to the task for forgetting the wrongs you've endured.
Yet forgetting is the necessary second half of a covenant that can help us effectively respond to betrayal.
If you've been through the sorrows of infidelity on the part of your husband or wife, you have likely also suffered with images plaguing your imagination. You might picture the person (or people) he has been intimate with. You "see" in your mind's eye their kisses, embraces, and more. You envision them at a hotel, in the backseat of a car, or worse, in your own bedroom.
You can't seem to stop these visuals from replaying over and over in your head. And when they march across your mental screen, the feelings rise again: sadness, anger, nausea, disgust, despair--with distrust leading the parade.
Which is self-defeating. You work through the hard task of forgiveness, only to find that you've filled in the ledger of debt with large red numbers, all because the memory of what happened reopened the wounds, and you're bleeding all over the page.
Our ability to recall is amazing.
It's like a computerized file that only requires the first few letters typed in before it pulls up the data waiting for review.
How do we push the escape button to keep that garbage from coming up? And do we really want to? All the "what-if's" can torture us, convincing us that if we aren't vigilant, we'll be hurt again.
We can drive ourselves crazy when our imaginations take off. We become the monitor of every action, deed, and thought of our spouses. We check the computer browser history. Look over texts and calls sent and received. Comb through credit card statements and receipts. Track minutes that have gone past the expected time of arrival home. We're sensitive to scents, sighs, and smiles.
I nearly drove Tracy crazy because I didn't just want to know what he was doing; I wanted to know what he was thinking. And when I agreed to stay with him, he had to agree to my questioning--even grilling.
But I'm the one who nearly went mad from it all. Staying on high alert 24 hours a day is exhausting and stressful.
We're not equipped to be the thought police. Nor the Holy Spirit.
Yet fear drove me. I erected high walls of self-protection. I was terrified that if I let up even a little bit, I would crumble beyond repair.
I couldn't seem to forget what Tracy had done, and I wasn't about to suffer alone; I wouldn't let him forget it, either.
We lived like this for two miserable years.
I'm so thankful that the Father got through to me with the answer I needed. It was more than my need to forgive Tracy. I also needed to forget.
At first, that seemed as impossible as the forgiveness originally felt. I raged, "I'll never be able to forget this!"
But our heavenly Father is our example.
He doesn't have a poor memory. He's not suffering from Alzheimer's. When He says that He doesn't remember our sins anymore, He isn't claiming to be forgetful. There's nothing wrong with the memory portion of His brain.
No, the reason He doesn't remember is because He has chosen to forget our wrong-doings. It is part of that new covenant He made with mankind. :For this is the covenant that I will make . . . for I will be merciful to their unrighteousness [there's the forgiveness part], and their sins and their iniquities will I remember no more [there's the forgetfulness part]." (portions of Heb. 8:10-12)
Once we have confessed our sinful acts and put our faith in the sacrifice of Jesus to provide payment (death), then God says He doesn't remember them anymore.
Preachers have come to call this casting our sins into the "sea of His forgetfulness." (from Micah 7:19)
Imagine this huge lake--probably an ocean, in reality, when you consider how many sins people have committed through the years. There are "no fishing" signs posted all around the perimeter of the water.
What grace! We can try to pray, asking Him, "Remember when I did such and such," and He honestly replies, "No. I have no recall of the event you're talking about."
Psalm 103:12 paints another picture for us to help us understand how God deals with the memory of our sins. It says that He removes our sins as far as the east is from the west. How far is that? It can't be measured. They are gone.
I'm not suggesting that you block the memory in an unhealthy way of stuffing it down and never dealing with it. Rather, I'm saying you will gain great victory if you learn to tie the memory to the forgiveness you have already chosen.
You let go of trying to control your spouse's actions and thoughts. Good grief, if God Himself didn't force the person to change, what makes us think we can?
When you remember the sin, you can choose to forgive again, then you take the thoughts captive. You ask God to help you fight the mental battle. Yes, battle, because this is war. There's a reason it's in Scripture in military terms: we have an enemy, bent on destroying people, marriages, and families.
He never forgets a wrong. He's called the accuser of the brethren. Aka Satan. (Rev. 12:10) He'll replay our sins and the sins of others as often as we let him.
We don't want to be like him.
This is war, and when we've been through infidelity, we can testify that it feels like we've been in a war zone.
So we engage in the battle.
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| Joan of Arc |
You might have to talk to yourself, even out loud, to get your runaway thoughts to get back where they belong. But that's okay. Tell yourself, "It is unfruitful for me to dwell on this anymore. It is already forgiven, and I refuse to replay it. Thoughts, obey the Lordship of Jesus Christ! He has forgive this sin, and I insist on being like Him." (2 Cor. 10:3-5)
Likewise, the imaginations of what might be happening must be pulled back into obedience.
Then fill your head with something else that is good--maybe praise music or Scripture or checking on someone who needs encouragement and love.
Here's what happens: you neither let the memories lurk in your subconscious, nor consciously rehearse them repeatedly. You bring them to the Light.
When film negatives are exposed to the light, the picture is ruined. Jesus said that people don't come to Him when their deeds are evil--they don't want that wickedness to be exposed. Well, sometimes we don't bring our spouse's deeds to Him, either. We don't want to deal with them. We hide in shame.
Better to get it all out, telling our Savior what has happened and how it has affected us. He knows, anyway. And sometimes it can also help to tell a trusted friend, pastor, or Christian counselor. Especially if we can't seem to move past it. We might just need to be heard--to let someone know we're hurting. To have someone share the burden. That's okay. Just be very selective about the person you choose to share with.
Then when the Light hits that ugly misdeed, somehow the exposure causes it to lose some power over us. And as we refuse to replay it, then, we are choosing to forget it.
Marriage is meant to be a picture to the world--one that reflects the precious love Jesus Christ has for His bride, the church. He made it possible for her to come to Him pure, spotless--cleansed by His own sacrifice.
In that same way, He wants us to live in covenant with each other so that we can deal with each other's failings like He does: forgiving and forgetting, all by free choice.
Again, as I said in the last post, this doesn't mean that God is calling you to stay in a harmful situation. But it does at least give you an environment from which you can function freely. It makes room for miracles of grace from hearts freed by love.
An unconditional love that can transform you, then maybe--just maybe--also the union you share with your spouse, imperfections and all.
I would like to offer my book, When Prince Charming Falls off His Horse . . . and you've become his nag! at a big discount to those of you who are hungry for more truth. Even if you haven't been through infidelity, there's a lot more to challenge marriages. I share what God taught me about learning to love unconditionally--and how to fight the battle. Maybe you know someone else who could use a transparent look at Christian marriage between very imperfect, selfish individuals who are being transformed by God. If so, for the next month on my website, the price is reduced to $4.95 plus S/H.
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Pictures: Building a Dry-Stone Wall (mygarden.It) and View of Ocean from Pismo Beach (commons.wikipedia.org)
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