Broken Heart, Part 2

In the last post, I shared that there are two things that cause God's covenant with us to work: 1) He forgives,  and 2) He forgets.

I explained how understanding that covenant helps us in our marriages, too, when sin brings destruction.

We looked at what forgiveness is, as well as what it isn't.

Some of you decided to truly let go of the offenses you've suffered from your spouse. But that doesn't mean you're feeling up to the task for forgetting the wrongs you've endured.

Yet forgetting is the necessary second half of a covenant that can help us effectively respond to betrayal.

If you've been through the sorrows of infidelity on the part of your husband or wife, you have likely also suffered with images plaguing your imagination. You might picture the person (or people) he has been intimate with. You "see" in your mind's eye their kisses, embraces, and more. You envision them at a hotel, in the backseat of a car, or  worse, in your own bedroom.

You can't seem to stop these visuals from replaying over and over in your head. And when they march across your mental screen, the feelings rise again: sadness, anger, nausea, disgust, despair--with distrust leading the parade.

Which is self-defeating. You work through the hard task of forgiveness, only to find that you've filled in the ledger of debt with large red numbers, all because the memory of what happened reopened the wounds, and you're bleeding all over the page.

Our ability to recall is amazing.

It's like a computerized file that only requires the first few letters typed in before it pulls up the data waiting for review.

How do we push the escape button to keep that garbage from coming up? And do we really want to? All the "what-if's" can torture us, convincing us that if we aren't vigilant, we'll be hurt again.

We can drive ourselves crazy when our imaginations take off. We become the monitor of every action, deed, and thought of our spouses. We check the computer browser history. Look over texts and calls sent and received. Comb through credit card statements and receipts. Track minutes that have gone past the expected time of arrival home. We're sensitive to scents, sighs, and smiles.

I nearly drove Tracy crazy because I didn't just want to know what he was doing; I wanted to know what he was thinking. And when I agreed to stay with him, he had to agree to my questioning--even grilling.

But I'm the one who nearly went mad from it all. Staying on high alert 24 hours a day is exhausting and stressful.

We're not equipped to be the thought police. Nor the Holy Spirit.

Yet fear drove me. I erected high walls of self-protection. I was terrified that if I let up even a little bit, I would crumble beyond repair.

I couldn't seem to forget what Tracy had done, and I wasn't about to suffer alone; I wouldn't let him forget it, either.

We lived like this for two miserable years.

I'm so thankful that the Father got through to me with the answer I needed. It was more than my need to forgive Tracy. I also needed to forget.

At first, that seemed as impossible as the forgiveness originally felt. I raged, "I'll never be able to forget this!"

But our heavenly Father is our example.

He doesn't have a poor memory. He's not suffering from Alzheimer's. When He says that He doesn't remember our sins anymore, He isn't claiming to be forgetful. There's nothing wrong with the memory portion of His brain.

No, the reason He doesn't remember is because He has chosen to forget our wrong-doings. It is part of that new covenant He made with mankind. :For this is the covenant that I will make . . . for I will be merciful to their unrighteousness [there's the forgiveness part], and their sins and their iniquities will I remember no more [there's the forgetfulness part]." (portions of Heb. 8:10-12)

Once we have confessed our sinful acts and put our faith in the sacrifice of Jesus to provide payment (death), then God says He doesn't remember them anymore.

Preachers have come to call this casting our sins into the "sea of His forgetfulness." (from Micah 7:19)

Imagine this huge lake--probably an ocean, in reality, when you consider how many sins people have committed through the years. There are "no fishing" signs posted all around the perimeter of the water.

What grace! We can try to pray, asking Him, "Remember when I did such and such," and He honestly replies, "No. I have no recall of the event you're talking about."

Psalm 103:12 paints another picture for us to help us understand how God deals with the memory of our sins. It says that He removes our sins as far as the east is from the west. How far is that? It can't be measured. They are gone.

I'm not suggesting that you block the memory in an unhealthy way of stuffing it down and never dealing with it. Rather, I'm saying you will gain great victory if you learn to tie the memory to the forgiveness you have already chosen.

You let go of trying to control your spouse's actions and thoughts. Good grief, if God Himself didn't force the person to change, what makes us think we can?

When you remember the sin, you can choose to forgive again, then you take the thoughts captive. You ask God to help you fight the mental battle. Yes, battle, because this is war. There's a reason it's in Scripture in military terms: we have an enemy, bent on destroying people, marriages, and families.


He never forgets a wrong. He's called the accuser of the brethren. Aka Satan. (Rev. 12:10) He'll replay our sins and the sins of others as often as we let him.

We don't want to be like him.

This is war, and when we've been through infidelity, we can testify that it feels like we've been in a war zone.

So we engage in the battle.

Joan of Arc

You might have to talk to yourself, even out loud, to get your runaway thoughts to get back where they belong. But that's okay. Tell yourself, "It is unfruitful for me to dwell on this anymore. It is already forgiven, and I refuse to replay it. Thoughts, obey the Lordship of Jesus Christ! He has forgive this sin, and I insist on being like Him." (2 Cor. 10:3-5)

Likewise, the imaginations of what might be happening must be pulled back into obedience.

Then fill your head with something else that is good--maybe praise music or Scripture or checking on someone who needs encouragement and love.

Here's what happens: you neither let the memories lurk in your subconscious, nor consciously rehearse them repeatedly. You bring them to the Light.

When film negatives are exposed to the light, the picture is ruined. Jesus said that people don't come to Him when their deeds are evil--they don't want that wickedness to be exposed. Well, sometimes we don't bring our spouse's deeds to Him, either. We don't want to deal with them. We hide in shame.

Better to get it all out, telling our Savior what has happened and how it has affected us. He knows, anyway. And sometimes it can also help to tell a trusted friend, pastor, or Christian counselor. Especially if we can't seem to move past it. We might just need to be heard--to let someone know we're hurting. To have someone share the burden. That's okay. Just be very selective about the person you choose to share with.

Then when the Light hits that ugly misdeed, somehow the exposure causes it to lose some power over us. And as we refuse to replay it, then, we are choosing to forget it.

Marriage is meant to be a picture to the world--one that reflects the precious love Jesus Christ has for His bride, the church.  He made it possible for her to come to Him pure, spotless--cleansed by His own sacrifice.

In that same way, He wants us to live in covenant with each other so that we can deal with each other's failings like He does: forgiving and forgetting, all by free choice.

Again, as I said in the last post, this doesn't mean that God is calling you to stay in a harmful situation. But it does at least give you an environment from which you can function freely. It makes room for miracles of grace from hearts freed by love.

An unconditional love that can transform you, then maybe--just maybe--also the union you share with your spouse, imperfections and all.

I would like to offer my book, When Prince Charming Falls off His Horse . . . and you've become his nag! at a big discount to those of you who are hungry for more truth. Even if you haven't been through infidelity, there's a lot more to challenge marriages. I share what God taught me about learning to love unconditionally--and how to fight the battle. Maybe you know someone else who could use a transparent look at Christian marriage between very imperfect, selfish individuals who are being transformed by God. If so, for the next month on my website, the price is reduced to $4.95 plus S/H. 

http://w.mawebcenters.com/beckyspencerministries/ecommerce/store.php

Pictures: Building a Dry-Stone Wall (mygarden.It) and View of Ocean from Pismo Beach (commons.wikipedia.org)

Surviving Valentine's Day with a Broken Heart, Part 1

While women across our nation envision flowers and candy and romantic dinners for tomorrow night, countless others can barely breathe. All they can see is infidelity, replaying over and over in their minds.  And the broken promises are choking them.

("Teardrop" by dreamergirl 11/23/11 at desktopnexus.com)

Distrust . . . sorrow . . . anger . . . confusion. All these emotions fight for position.

Especially in a Christian home, where unfaithfulness isn't "supposed" to happen.

I know. I've walked through this heartache.

If this is your story, too, please keep reading. Because I'm many years on the other side of it now, and I can offer you an oxygen mask that might get you through.

Even when you feel like celebrating Valentine's Day is a farce.

First, I want to describe my nephew Jacob's wedding day. He and Bethany stood before us and took their vows last July. I don't know when I've seen such love and hope shining in the faces of a bride and groom. They seemed to understand that marriage is a covenant between the two of them and God.

Jacob and Bethany at their reception

I knew they had received good counsel to prepare them for the realities of married life. It isn't perfect. Like every married couple, they will have to deal with the fact that they've married a sinner, and in their case, thankfully, saved by grace.

Sin is missing the mark. It's way more than negotiating which way the toilet paper roll will be installed. It's even more than failing to meet romantic expectations.

It's raw selfishness that shows up in small and gargantuan portions.

And too often--way too often--it rips families apart when one or both partners engage in sexual sin.

So did I want to run down the aisle and warn them that the stars in their eyes could become daggers if they weren't careful to protect the vows they were taking?

No. Because I've come to understand something about covenant.

See, our entire relationship with God is based on covenant. Now, bear with me. I promise this will be more than a biblical history lesson. Embedded in God's relationship with His people, we can find hope.

He had a pretty good covenant with Israel, but the drawback was this: they couldn't keep their end of it. They sinned. Over and over again, they ran after other gods. He called these gods "many lovers." (Jeremiah 3:1)

God's heart was broken. He understands all the emotions we endure when we're cheated on.

But He loved His people so much, He drafted a new plan (or covenant) that was fail-proof. Why? Because it dealt with the sin issue. He provided two things for every person who would accept His gift: 1) He forgave sins committed. 2) He forgot sins committed. (Hebrews 8:12)

You might think it's impossible to do either of these things. But, my sister--or my brother--can we expect that the marriage covenant can work better than God's own covenant He has with His people? No. We won't perform better. If mankind couldn't keep a covenant with Almighty God perfectly, then certainly we won't be able to keep it perfectly with another human being.

We will fall short. We will fail. We will sin. So will our spouses.

And we will need a way to deal with that so we can stay in covenant with each other.

The way is His way. To forgive and forget.

You might be thinking that's impossible. And your spouse doesn't deserve to be forgiven. You'll never be able to forget.

I understand how you feel. Let me help you understand how to move past the feelings enough so that you can consider some truth that will bring relief.

When we forgive someone, we aren't saying that what that person did is okay. Some things will never be okay.

What we're saying is that we aren't going to make the person pay us back for the wrong we have endured.

It's sort of like an account ledger. An emotional bank of sorts. When someone sins against you, they owe you. It's a debt on that person's account with you. And infidelity is a huge withdrawal. It might wipe out all the checking and savings accounts and even borrow against future earnings.

I know what it's like to try to extract payment for such a serious wrong suffered. Everything in me screamed that he owed me! I sent out regular statements as a reminder of the outstanding balance. I demanded to know what arrangements he was going to make to take care of the account.

Resentment boiled. Yes, it made him feel bad. But holding on to the offense was damaging me even more. It's been said that harboring resentment is like drinking poison, but expecting the other person to die. So true.

And even more true is that we ourselves have received undeserved mercy. The very first thing God told Adam and Eve about disobeying Him was that if they did it, they would die. When they ate the forbidden fruit, they were immediately aware of their nakedness and shame. They tried to cover themselves with leaves.

But God gave them a picture of what Jesus would eventually do for us: He killed animals so the fur could be used to cover them.

Innocent blood was shed to cover sin. Romans 6:23 says that the wages--the payment--of sin is death. Even in the garden, God pronounced death as payment for sin. And at the same time, He provided a substitution for the death Adam and Eve owed. The animals didn't deserve to die, but they gave their lives in place of Adam and Eve.

Even the old covenant He had with Israel required animal sacrifice. It was only a temporary substitute; the blood of animals can't truly take away anyone's sins.  

But it was a glimpse of grace.

While Jesus taught in the temple, the religious leaders dragged in a woman who had been caught in the very act of adultery. Was she disheveled, barely covered, smelling of sin?

Taken from "An Intimate Moment with a Woman Caught in Adultery" by austind90 in The Quotable
austind90.blogspot.com/2012/02/25

She deserved to die an agonizing death by stoning, and so did the man,  conveniently missing from this scene.





Yet Jesus said that only a person without sin could throw stones at her.

No one qualified but Him. And He chose mercy. (John 8:1-12)


I had no right to accuse my husband Tracy when he betrayed me.

Never mind that in my eyes, his sin was far worse than any I had committed. I was far from perfect--if you have read our story, you know that years ago, I had an emotional affair. But Tracy's sin seemed bigger. To me, he was the worst of the worst offender.

Did that give me the right to hold his debt of sin over him? No. If we were to compare accounts receivable to God, we would have to admit that both of us were debtors to His grace.

I had received God's forgiveness. How could I do any less than also extend it?

Yet that question seems complicated when the offense occurs more than once.

The world says, "Hurt me once; shame on you. Hurt me twice, shame on me." Should we be expected to forgive once? Twice? How many times is enough?

Peter asked Jesus the same question. Seven times seven?  No. According to Jesus, we should forgive--wipe the slate clean--70 times 7 every day. If you're awake for 16 hours a day, that comes out to forgiving every two minutes. (Matthew 18:21-35)

This doesn't mean that we shouldn't take necessary steps to protect ourselves and our children. You might need to get medical tests to check for venereal diseases or HIV. You might need to file for a separation.

You will need God's wisdom. It can help to talk to a godly counselor or pastor, but even then, the advice needs to be weighed with what is biblical. And only the Holy Spirit can lead you in your own situation. He knows your spouse's heart. He knows the end from the beginning.


King David had a pretty serious rap sheet. Adulterer. Liar. Murderer. He suffered some serious consequences for his sins, and rightly so. Yet God called him a "man after His own heart." Why? Because he was quick to repent once he understood how serious his offenses were. Because he humbly received correction when the prophet called him out on his sins. Because he was a worshipper.

You might not be married to a David. You might be married to someone with serious issues--someone who didn't just mess up once, but rather who exhibits a pattern of behaviors that don't indicate any willingness to repent or change. 

Anyone can change; not everyone is willing. 

Jesus said that divorce is "allowed" when there has been adultery. It doesn't mean it's mandated. I've seen  marriages healed, even when unfaithfulness has marred the original beauty of the union. Mine was. It wasn't an easy process to find this healing place where we're able to love each other unconditionally. But it was simple. And it started with forgiveness.

You absolutely need God's guidance for your own situation because there are no guarantees that your spouse will change. 

But regardless of the direction you believe God is giving you concerning your marriage, forgiveness is mandated. 

God tells us to forgive, not to torment us, but to free us. He knows that carrying the weight of someone else's sins is too great for us. There is liberty in letting go. And once you do, the grieving process can move forward so you aren't stuck in this pit forever.

I'll send a part 2 about how to forget sins committed against you, but for now, would you like to pray with me? If so, say this out loud; just adjust it if you're a man praying this about your wife:

"Father, my heart is breaking. I've been so wronged. I can't believe what my spouse has done to cause so much pain to our family. He deserves to be punished.

But that's not my job; it's Yours. I'm tired from carrying this burden on my own shoulders. I'm making a decision to lay it down at your feet. It's too heavy for me. 

What he did is not okay. It never will be. But I'm choosing to let you deal with him.

I know You've shown me great mercy. You haven't given me what I deserve. And I have a feeling that I should be praying for mercy for him, too, because if You were to give him what he deserves, he'd be torched.

I admit that a part of me wishes he could experience some hard consequences, but help me try not to  dole out judgment myself. Give me wisdom in choosing what steps to take next. I can't trust him. But frankly, I don't think I can trust myself, either.

You're the One I can trust. I believe You have my best interest at heart. Guide me so I know what to do next. Please make it very clear--so obvious that I will have confidence in Your plans for me and my family.

I choose to forgive him. 

When the images and accusations try to come back into my thoughts, help me to forgive again--and again and again and again, as often as I have to until I know I have truly let go of this.

God, please heal my broken heart! I can't do this without You. Come into my life in new ways, and show me how much You care for me. I need You.

Thank You, Lord. Please make beauty from the ashes in our lives--and even in our marriage. Take this mess and turn it into a message of Your goodness and love.

In the Name of Jesus, Amen."

If you find yourself wondering what it means to know God in this intimate way, please contact me so I can provide more information and help.

He loves you, and He has good plans for your life.

Check back for part 2 soon.




c 2013 Becky Spencer